Beloved

Sunday I was yucky, I felt yucky, I felt gross outside and inside. I had slept through my alarm clock and missed church. (by slept through I mean that my alarm went off twice and groggy morning Erin, who I don't claim any relation to, turned it off knowing full well that she/I would probably not wake up) When I actually woke up and the reality of missing church hit me, I was mad and disappointed in myself. I was cranky with my mom. I was mad about my tv fast that i'm doing, and whiny in my heart about it. I was in need of a shower, and I was on my period. I was totally discouraged with who I was. I felt beyond yucky!

I didn't feel like approaching God, not at all, but I knew that I needed to. I went to put on some music in the background to start my Bible time. I turned on Pandora, (which we can now play through our TV's surround sound system, my new favorite thing) letting whatever station was on before come on, playing whichever song it wanted to play me. The song that came on was "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North. Here are the lyrics:

Love of my life 
Look deep in my eyes 
There you will find what you need 
Give me your life 
Lust and the lies 
The past you’re afraid I might see 
You’ve been running away from me 

You’re my beloved 
Lover I’m yours 
Death shall not part us 
It’s you I died for 
For better or worse 
Forever we’ll be 
Our Love it unites us 
It binds you to me 
It’s a mystery 

Love of my life 
Look deep in my eyes 
There you will find what you need 
I‘m the giver of life 
I’ll clothe you in white 
My immaculate bride you will be 
Oh come running home to me 

You’re my beloved 
Lover I’m yours 
Death shall not part us 
It’s you I died for 
For better or worse 
Forever we’ll be 
Our Love it unites us 
It binds you to me 

Well you’ve been a mistress, my wife 
Chasing lovers it won’t satisfy 
Won’t you let me make you my bride 
You will drink of my lips 
And you’ll taste new life 

Cause you’re my beloved 
Lover I’m yours 
Death shall not part us 
It’s you I died for 
For better or worse 
Forever we’ll be 
Our Love it unites us 
And it binds you to me 

You’re my beloved 
Forever we’ll be 
Our love it unites us 
And it binds you to me 
It’s a mystery

I sat on my couch and wept. Here I was feeling super gross and yucky, feeling unlovable feeling Like "who would want this?" and God said "I do, I want you." Through all my faults He still saw me as beloved, and He still calls me "mine," He still asks me to be His bride. What a wonderful, loving, and tender God. He is so sweet! I still have a hard time grasping and understanding the way that he chooses to see me.

I use to listen to this song all the time, and God used it powerfully then, but I hadn't listened to it for a long time. The very next day my friend Liz, who I also have talked to in a while, wrote me this message:

Your "Back to Eden" post on God's love made me think back to a cherished memory I have never forgotten- you sharing the tenderness and gentleness of God's love through the Tenth Avenue North song "Beloved." You mentioned how the consistency of it coming on shuffle as you walked around campus seemed to be in line with your sensitivity to receiving more of God's sweet love for you. It seemed to come more on days when you could receive it and it didn't come on days when you felt more sensitive to His love. So precious. He's so sensitive and loving. I really appreciated reading your post. It made me miss you so very much. Hope all is well. :) 

The very next day He chose to remind me once again of how very much He loves me. Through my crap, through my sin, even through my unshoweredness, nothing I could do will make Him say "I don't want you anymore."  Instead his heart continues to long for mine. Where ever you are I pray that you would know that the same it true of you. God's heart is longing for yours, to Him you could not be anymore beautiful that you are this moment, you are His beloved, and nothing you could do would make Him say "I don't want you"